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Monday, April 7, 2008


You desperately try to forget that dream with its unapproved contents. It revealed the possibility of your worst sexual fears: the "wrong" partner, the "wrong" sex act, nakedness, exposure, impotence, incest, pedophilia, homosexuality, sadism, masochism, lack of orgasm, bestiality or _______. (Fill the blank with that dreadful sexual terror lurking within you.) Because of that dream you have immediately leaped to the worst conclusion about yourself. What next?

First, acknowledge your dread, as it is a valid truth for you that you need to explore. It doesn't usually mean that you are heading toward that particular dreaded sexual behavior. Instead, it is often a wake-up call for you to do your own therapy (with or without a paid therapist). Some psychological causes of such fears/ dreams are:

(1)Our Puritan heritage affects us all. See next section.

(2)Our childhood traumas of being excluded and abandoned by parents/peers often make it not OK to be different sexually. If this is the sole cause of your dreadful dream, then moving beyond those childhood traumas (which can take time) will end that type of dream.

(3)Often the dream-people give us the clue about where we need to grow. If I dream incestuously about a parent, I may need to explore [a]my childhood traumas associated with getting physical affection from that parent, [b]my inability to have such fantasies when I was four years old, [c]my fears of sex with an adult of that parent's sex and [d]the abuse I suffered at the hands of that parent. If I dream of sex that is not with adults, then I need to explore possible fears within me of being an adult sexually. If I uncomfortably dream of sadism or masochism, where did I suffer pain, abuse or degradation in my past?

(4)Many sexual dreams today are triggered by the traumas resulting from our lack of childhood emotional love and physical affection. Much sexual behavior in waking life is also driven by these old traumas of lack of love and affection. (But men on average would still have much more sexual interest than women because of testosterone even if all their neurotic sex drives could be eliminated.) Some homosexual dreams, for both heterosexuals and homosexuals, have their roots in fears of emotionally loving and being physically affectionate with members of one's own sex.

Celebration Time: If we are such a sexist society why do men vote as much as they do for women candidates? Why do blacks with a B+ high school average have a better chance than whites of entering college?

Tip. A dreadful sexual dream is a wake-up call for you to look at yourself, not to leap to the worst possible conclusion about the dream's meaning. Disregarding the dream will often cause its return in a more dreadful form.
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